i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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