he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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