No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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