I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
