I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
