(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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