i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My ATM looks so different sober.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
