when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
where are you?
Hypothermia
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
