you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
