upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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