Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize