she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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