i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
