Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
