I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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