Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize