but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
