I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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