Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
