He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
