her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
