who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize