Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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