Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
