just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
