My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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