yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
