During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Terrible idea I love it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
