How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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