someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
