How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
