dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
