you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize