You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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