Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
