Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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