Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
