I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
