it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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