Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
