U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
