I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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