So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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