Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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