My first STD was from a foam party
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
