I bet he comes in French.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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