fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
