Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
