u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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