I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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