i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize