So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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