just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
