Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
