hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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