Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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