im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
