I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
