Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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