I wish life had little blips of pornography
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
