Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
