Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
