I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
