The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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