paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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